Public Notice

To all those well wishers who live in the same country as me and who pat themselves on the back:-

1. for asking me for my address
2. for spending 2 hours of admin altogether
3. for spending more than £2 collectively (this usually adds up to a lot more)
4. for spending about 20 minutes (or more) in the shops finding just the right one…

WAKE UP! May I suggest instead:-

1. If you have seen me recently and you live in the same country, you could try wishing me Happy Christmas VERBALLY, or by forwarded email, telephone or text – it’s quicker, costs less, conveys the sentiment and just makes sense
2. Giving the money to charity instead (if it makes you feel better)
3. Giving the postman a break – doesn’t he deserve a holiday too? If there were less needless chores to do, then those who actually ought to receive Christmas post ie family and friends abroad, soldiers in war, the needy etc might actually get what they deserve without all the mix up caused by silly middle class (usually smug couples with a baby who sign it from the baby aswell – as if a baby knows it’s Christmas and wishes you goodwill or something – I mean a smear of diarrhoea would do instead) do gooders.

Please do not send me a card unless:-

1. It is accompanied by a present – YAY!!!
2. It’s funny or romantic
3. I live in a different country
4. You haven’t seen me in a VERY long time – I’m mean years…
5. You want to write a very appropriate and personal message

Also, some other points…

1. You CANNOT keep MILLIONS of cards in the attic – EVERYONE puts them in the bin (or pretends to recycle them) after Christmas anyway
2. If you think I'm being rude, tell me why. I'm not proud of my thoughts and maybe I need to restrain myself from thinking them.
3. Asking me for my address when you live a few miles away and you've known me since I was two does NOT make the card a surprise.

May I suggest some alternatives for future and Happier Christmas:-

1. showing Christmas goodwill less ostentatiously but more appropriately
2. spending the card admin time with an elderly relative you’ve forgotten about.
3. Making and sending Christmas ‘spice dolls’ for future decoration. This way, you will make and send to only those who should get one (and they are much better)