Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Public Notice

To all those well wishers who live in the same country as me and who pat themselves on the back:-

1. for asking me for my address
2. for spending 2 hours of admin altogether
3. for spending more than £2 collectively (this usually adds up to a lot more)
4. for spending about 20 minutes (or more) in the shops finding just the right one…

WAKE UP! May I suggest instead:-

1. If you have seen me recently and you live in the same country, you could try wishing me Happy Christmas VERBALLY, or by forwarded email, telephone or text – it’s quicker, costs less, conveys the sentiment and just makes sense
2. Giving the money to charity instead (if it makes you feel better)
3. Giving the postman a break – doesn’t he deserve a holiday too? If there were less needless chores to do, then those who actually ought to receive Christmas post ie family and friends abroad, soldiers in war, the needy etc might actually get what they deserve without all the mix up caused by silly middle class (usually smug couples with a baby who sign it from the baby aswell – as if a baby knows it’s Christmas and wishes you goodwill or something – I mean a smear of diarrhoea would do instead) do gooders.

Please do not send me a card unless:-

1. It is accompanied by a present – YAY!!!
2. It’s funny or romantic
3. I live in a different country
4. You haven’t seen me in a VERY long time – I’m mean years…
5. You want to write a very appropriate and personal message

Also, some other points…

1. You CANNOT keep MILLIONS of cards in the attic – EVERYONE puts them in the bin (or pretends to recycle them) after Christmas anyway
2. If you think I'm being rude, tell me why. I'm not proud of my thoughts and maybe I need to restrain myself from thinking them.
3. Asking me for my address when you live a few miles away and you've known me since I was two does NOT make the card a surprise.

May I suggest some alternatives for future and Happier Christmas:-

1. showing Christmas goodwill less ostentatiously but more appropriately
2. spending the card admin time with an elderly relative you’ve forgotten about.
3. Making and sending Christmas ‘spice dolls’ for future decoration. This way, you will make and send to only those who should get one (and they are much better)

Sunday, 18 November 2007

The Painted Veil

I couldn’t have chosen a more poignant moment in life to watch ‘The Painted Veil’. Very profound. I also find it hard not to find this picture so moving.

Described in a nutshell… Woman must flee the nest. Rich intelligent young Batchelor proposes. Despite celibacy and hopes to be ‘in love’ one day, she caves in. They marry and move to 1920s Shanghai for work. Husband realises Wife doesn’t love him so they don't ‘have relations’ (Husband’s a nice guy). Having found her ‘in relations’ with another man (James Bond), Husband offers Wife an INGENIOUS and DELICIOUS ultimatum. Husband will divorce and shame Wife, naming Wife’s affair unless Wife accompanies him to the midst of a cholera epidemic for research and work in medicine. Alternatively, Wife will be allowed to quietly divorce Husband, if she can persuade James Bond to similarly divorce HIS wife and marry her – afterall they are in love!!!… As expected, James Bond isn’t interested. Wife moves away with clever Husband facing possible death.

After seeing and proving Husband’s heart wrenching and unrelentless loyalty and love for Wife and his self-sacrificial care for those in need, Wife falls in love with Husband FINALLY (because he’s a nice guy). Some time after a night of passion, Husband falls ill, only to find Wife is preggers (possibly with James Bond’s child!!!). Husband dies (because that’s how everything always is). Widow lives a miserable life of regret and sadness admiring late Husband and dwelling on her selfish ways that consumed them both. Widow together with late Husband’s son meet James Bond on the street. James Bond is ignored (that’s what he deserves).

Despite my mother hissing at the film, I was left with a lot to think about… Why is it that we don’t naturally fall for the good guy no matter how lovely he is? James Bond is a dick - he doesn’t care about anyone really (words are cheap and fun is fleeting). Pure beautiful love may shine through in the end but only after it has been tried and destroyed by the selfish dregs of the day. After it is lost and ruined by nastiness, nothing can compare and it is mourned back. When a flower is picked and the petals are pulled out, can anything revive and return its beauty?

There is nothing like sitting on a rug in front of the fire, being brought tea. But wallowing is dangerous.

Edward Norton never disappoints as an actor and Satie's Gnossienne No.1 as the theme tune couldn't have been more appropriate.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Friends with the Chavs!!! - Honestly!

I am one of the few who had never seen a 'chav' before moving to the big smoke. Now we're best friends!... Despite having my wheels/bike stolen x2, purse stolen x1, being mugged x1 and attacked x1 I still hadn't formed a true opinion of 'chavs' until Sunday...

When I saw the 'chavs' I remembered the day I set off on my first date with Jack, walking through Beirut, passing the usual group of youths (or 'chavs'), being crowded, touched, taunted. These sorts probably thought they were picking on a unassuming child but must have been shocked by the wrath of the red head and thankfully dissipated... (Chavs don't stop me, but stiletto heels might...)

The same group still hang around. I'm convinced it was them who stole my bike. They have been spotted with bolt cutters in a plastic bag!... On Sunday I actually had a CONVERSATION with the 'chavs'. The leader was in crutches. Not sure how it started but it ended "what's a lovely girl like you doing in this horrible place? You're lovely!!!" Me - "aww, thank you, I had my bike stolen recently, it did my head in". Chavs - "Aw babe..." etc etc "Well keep an eye out for you".

Anyway, RESULTS! My bike has been outside now for a few nights and it's still happy... I also get waves and smiles from the chavs! Not sure if it's wise to risk it though?...

One problem I do have is, if they don't have the right image, they aren't a 'chav' - we need another name... (apart from "that dick") ... When people wear track suits and gym shoes in Belfast and they are NOT considered to be doing acceptable forms of 'exercise' they are called 'Steeks' or 'Spides' (or Sinn Feiners). The difference is however that Steeks or Spides are humourous in a different way than Chavs - they can be good craic.

So what's the answer to the 'Chav' situation in London?... 'Hug a Hoodie'?.... Send them to ME for sorting out?...

No! Throw them all away in jail!!! and that's what they get for stealing my bike!!!

I came across a certain Chav society in Facebook... Anti Chav Association (ACA) - clean the streets kill a chav (see below)

Ever had the misfortune of coming into close contact with a chav?

Annoyed with seeing chavs adorned with baseball caps, hoodies and bad language spoiling our streets?

Had something nicked? (Then it was probably a chav)

Do you wake up each morning thankful that your not a chav?

Then this group is for you.

Put a stop to vandalism, bad language, abuse, elder beating, stealing and many, many more!
Chavs need not apply.

Thursday, 7 June 2007


My tuning mentor at music college said something quite profound today in response to my disbelief that I had done a perfectly good tuning in my final test. He said it's human condition to think we're not good enough but that doesn't mean that we aren't. Yes, apparantly I am good enough, not only that but better than some more experienced folk!

I remember beginning this blog purely as an account of motivation. For anyone who laughs at the thought of tuning a piano being so difficult - I'll play you one interval (two notes at certain distances apart) and see what YOU hear! I might also lock you in a tiny soundproof tuning booth with a really nasty piano for 3 hours and see what you come up with and what you turn into (I have images of one of those disturbing zombies running around foaming blood and stabbing your eyes!)

So was it all worth it? Having cycled to the 'office' I realised I had swapped a screen for a piano, not only that but if I play my cards right I might never need a CV again nor need undergo the relentless job interviews! Work done, I sat there with a smiley face and gentle company having a luxurious Halloumi breakfast for elevenses. I decided life can be good.

Would someone please rearrange uni/college so that more of us learn something productive or vocational? I know how it feels to be naked in the world! In the meantime, if anybody needs their piano tuned, you know who to call!...

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Cheers Tony for ruining young lives.

Will someone please gag me, put me in a straight jacket and perform the necessary chinese water torture on me if I ever talk about taking any MORE classes again (that is unless it's something really cool and fun like massaging, acting, singing, wood carving, painting, gardening, wine tasting, canoeing, cooking or dancing). Thanks to our wonderful government, being at university has never been so crushing, less of an achievement nor less fruitful.

Furthermore it seems like I am a voice crying in the wilderness - 'make straight the path for young people!' No one of any authority really listens or cares about the humble university student trying to do their best whilst kicking against the pricks of an evil tyrant. We are societal scum. Thanks to our wonderful government we have too many universities and stupid degree subjects like business studies all for the sake of a piece of paper to keep government statistics up (for them to twist for their own ends like all the rest). All of this together with excessive spending elsewhere has meant the abolition of the student grant and the introduction of tuition fees - surely a bit hypocritical considering the ideal of socialists? Never before have students been less employable or more in debt. Then the scumbags have the audacity to suggest positive discrimination towards students whose parents are not graduates rather than to select students solely on merit?! (These are likely to be the type of idiot students I meet who do vote labour) How could anyone be so thick, wrong and downright evil?

How are students supposed to learn anything from a worthwhile and intense course if they have to work their asses off aswell to pay the bills? Expected to rely on mummy and daddy to sort us out are we? I once saw a woman go off on one at Tony in Public. Man she was angry. Had the red face and all! I was a bit shocked. I am a lady of course, we have grace and dignity... but when I think of it my blood boils. If I had the chance I'd probably do the same. It's not right what Tony has done to us. This will bite a future government in the bum. I might be annoyed at being a student but they have made it worse...

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

Good senses...

Biology is a lot cooler than I thought at school... Research has found that smokers are half as likely to produce sons
In a perfect world I would like to have a son one day (like my nephew of course) so it's pretty handy that I find smoking repellant. This is a boring subject but I have to get it off my chest. No matter how interesting, unfortunately any words directed at me by any man blowing smoke in my face have always been completely lost (no matter how gorgeous he is). In fact if I'm feeling less kindly, I find it hard to resist the urge to tell him peevishly that I'd just washed my hair and my eyes are sore because of his disgusting habit. It is nasty but if they choose to smoke I don't see why it has to go in MY face. Anyway, I don't care if I get sneered at. I'm right.

Maybe it's just a sensible woman's intuition... Do we really need research to tell us that smoking is so unforgiveably harmful to everyone and yourself?! I know it took years for people to figure it out or at least years to fight against the brainwashing of the tobacco lords, but it isn't exactly rocket science, is it?

We are equipped with all the right senses to instinctively draw the best conclusions to live in superiority - one being, if something stinks, don't go near it, it's probably really NOT good. Very simple. We don't know the reason why it's not good but we respond appropriately. Do you really feel any benefit when you take your first drag? Correct me if I'm wrong but I really don't think so. Why resist those first barfing/coughing reflexes? because most people are idiots and would rather be like everyone else instead of themselves. oh Grow up. I don't understand social smoking

Monday, 14 May 2007

Chat up lines... how are you supposed to reply?

A man stopped me on the street by saying a very contemplated 'Hello' today. He looked lost, like he wanted directions or something so I paused to see what he wanted, he obviously had something wrong with him (maybe his eyesight). Anyway, he then said 'Are you Polish'?!!!

The best one this week has to be one in Sainsburys. A guy kept looking at me funny and closely shaddowed me around the fruit section. It was a bit creepy. He then murmured a 'I saw you in the market down the road' - oh no a weirdo I thought. As I pretended to not hear (is that nasty?) and walked to the pineapples he then said 'Are you doing your shopping?!!!' lol. At this point I was trying really hard to laugh and he then proceeded to ask me out. If someone's going to ask you out, they should at least have the manners to open their mouth when they're talking to you instead of whittering in a creepy voice.